If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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