My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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