how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
