haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
