I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he was CRYING into my vagina
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
