worst night to have a conscience
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
