It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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