woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's always time for handjobs
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
