goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
