we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
