my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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