I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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