Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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