just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
