This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
