My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
this just has baby written all over it
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
