sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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