Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
