When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
