I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i've created a new STD.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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