Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
