please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
