the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
