Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
