she takes plan B like it's going out of style
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
