That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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