i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
