We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
