I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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