I must be too annoying 4 u.
I hate all girls vehemently.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize