One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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