Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
