i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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