The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
