I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
