8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
