His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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