We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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