I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm always down for nudity.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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