when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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