I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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