The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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