It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How does one acquire holy water?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
