You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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