Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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