If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
