took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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