How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
