There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
