I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Can you bring me the toilet please
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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