Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
