we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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