All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
