im six kinds of drunk right now
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
