I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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