before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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