She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
