You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
