he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
A+ Viking dick
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
