he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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