best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
